Los Angeles-- I miss the environment where I feel comfortable enough to escape. That at any moment I can get in my car and drive; many times not knowing where to but just knowing I'm escaping. Here; this summer has been a rough part of my journey.
In an enviornment where others look towards me for leadership and guidance and for me to be patient with them being committed to each individual 24 hours a day where someone is literally depending on me for something...
i read so much about empowerment and standing with the people; meaning all people... I try even harder to be someone they can trust and turn to; someone who can walk with them and be with them in ways that they will like... yet I realize more and more every day I am ignorant to what that actually looks like...
I remember last year sitting in a study room with one of my dearest friends and telling him how after college I wanted to take at least 2 yrs to just be by myself...literally. I was planning on graduating going to my dads home village and living there only with books.... alone...... to spend time thinking and writing and reading. *smiles*
the main reason is that I felt like I would grow the most that way *smiles*
But here I am this summer living with 6 other people who look to me for direction and....answers *laughs* (and if you know me well you know how I feel about giving out answers).... and I've read and been in so many situations with bad leaders that I am so afraid to lead. Yet I am forced to lead constantly and forced to give answers and make final decisions and give advice.... and to speak.... and the funny thing is no book or time a lone could have taught me this or helped me get better at this....
the funny thing is i'm "about the tension" and "i dnt believe in perfection"... yet my idea of what a leader should be escapes me because i've never seen it done perfectly *laughs* then *smiles*......
Overall everything....smh.... everything is so different... more different than I could have imagined... yet I know *laughs* yes I "know" somehow that this is the journey for me.
New Jersey has been hard, it has been really hard; yet I'm learning so much and growing and I am so grateful for that. but keep me in your thoughts your prayers your minds... i can use all of the support i can get
grace.
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