Excited: 4 days

For those of you who do not know I am going to Camden in the next 4days. I have a seperate blog for that trip. Since I like to explain to people that this is my "ranting, I have something to say blog" I decided that this entry fit that. So I hope you enjoy. :)

ex·cit·ed

ADJECTIVE:

1. Being in a state of excitement; emotionally aroused; stirred.

2. Physics Being at an energy level higher than the ground state.

ex·cite

TRANSITIVE VERB:
ex·cit·ed , ex·cit·ing , ex·cites

1. To stir to activity.
2. To call forth (a reaction or emotion, for example); elicit: odd noises that excited our curiosity.
3. To arouse strong feeling in: speakers who know how to excite a crowd. See Synonyms at provoke.
4. Physiology To produce increased activity or response in (an organ, tissue, or part); stimulate.
5. Physics
1. To increase the energy of.
2. To raise (an atom, for example) to a higher energy level.

This whole time I have been afraid to say that I am excited. Somehow, I thought me saying that I was excited somehow made me view myself higher than the students that I am going to be in contact with. But I do not believe I fully thought it through or gave myself enough credit for knowing that my excitement was not the "Oh, I'm going to go save this town"..... The type of excitement that is gained because I believed that I was going to be giving something to them.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense.

Let me try to explain further. The Camden trip that I am going on came to me as a "missions" oppurtunity through my universities Office of World Missions. The other day my mom was talking to one of her friends and when she asked what I was going to be doing this summer and maybe even after I graduate she quickly responded with "Oh, mission work."

(WARNING: People might take offense to the next thing that I say).

But I was disgusted and quickly chimed in with a blantant "Umm, No that's not what I'm doing." My roomie the other day asked me if I hate mission trips so much what makes Camden different.

(SIDE.NOTE: I absolutely honestly love my triangle because they are always the first to call me out on things).

I was able to give my roomie a quick answer but like always when someone calls me out on something I think about it for a long time after.

First. I like to say that I never will "knocc" anyone for doing what they do. (TRANSLATION: I do not like to judge people). BUT what I have learned about mission trips and heard from those who had missionaries living amongst them in their home country, and what I know about the Western mind-frame, and of course what missionaries did the Natives of this country and Central America, and countries in Africa, and countries in South America, and the Philipines has made me very disgusted with the missionary field. Those are the things that disgust me. And this will now link up with what I was talking about earlier. Many times I have witnessed at my universities peoples amazement in serving in Africa because they hope to save it. Or people just having a mindset of "Oh, I'm going to this exotic place to play with kids and tell them about my "God, I am so excited".

And I guess my definition of excitement was altered because of that which made me weary to actually say it.

However, my excitement is for being impacted. I am excited to learn. To be humbled. To be amazed. To be shaken. I am excited for the experience. For the people that I will come in contact with and overall bonding with a unique group of women. What I am most excited for are the students, or young adults...the children...the youth. There is something amazing about the youth...

To think I actually gave that word so much thought LoL. Welcome to my brain.

Today is my last day in LA, I'm heading up to Moreno Valley tonight and Azusa on Monday then first stop Chicago I believe. I have the biggest problem with following through so it is absolutely crazy that I really followed through with this. Everything that has happened; man God is good.

Scattered Brained.

I have been searching for something that I have not yet found. The reason behind my empty-handiness is because in all truths I do not know what I am looking for. I was listening to Tavis Smiley today online and retrieved an archive from an episode that featured Will Smith. I have heard Smith speak before and am always intrigued to hear what he has to say. For many years I have disregarded his thought due to my lack of respect to the artist. I was fooled into thinking the artist is far from the thinker. Yet the artist who creates is the thinker and even more. However, what Smith spoke on was our ability to choose. He used the example of 2+2 =4. In his mind 2 + 2 only equals 4 because he has made the choice to accept that answer.

This past year has been very interesting. Compared to my first year in college I would say I am not as "lively" as I was before. I am not sure if before I believed something that I do not now or is this just the course of maturity. I am worried what this year may bring me.

I have been searching for something that I can not find. I can’t remember if I have ever felt at ease. There is always something going through my mind, something processing, and something that needs to be thought about. Something that has always had me waiting for the next move I can make. Yet, I have not found that place where I can call home...

I was once a firm believer that we are nothing more than our experiences. However, after giving it deeper thought I wonder are we really? Are we not more than our experiences? When something happens to a person their reaction varies depending on how they perceived the incident could have affected them...

What will be left of us when our bodies have gone away? A point that I am usually scared to speak aloud is Nietzsche criticism of Christianity. His understanding that the story of this glorious heaven makes its believers weak. Does it really?....

There are many things that I seldom speak on afraid that my faith may dwindle even more that it has already. However, what faith do I have? What is it that I believe in? Where do I stand? Do I stand for anything at all?

I frequently silence my questions in order to stay sane. Because once you begin to question the roots of anything and realize that they are no roots whatever thought it was being held up will be forced to fall over...

Therefore, society to me is just that. Their roots are never questioned because society is convinced that they are firmly grounded. Now what if I could prove to you that everything you believe in, stand for, and try to become is nothing more than someone's assertion of power in order to better glorify their selves. Is it not harder to believe lies than to create truths of your own...

When asked do I believe in God. I am not sure what to say. God makes sense to me. However, I wonder if it makes sense to me because I have been taught this not because I truly believe...

Faith is a scary thing to live by...

When asked about the Bible, I try not to offend anyone because to me I do not know enough to speak on it...will that grant me free access to the “firey” pits of hell... who knows?

I guess I say all of this to say that I am lost. I have questioned all of the roots of my reality and have realized that societies foundation does not exist because what say has us grounded are the very things that have us afloat…in midair, when gravity kicks in what will do? Must we not tumble down and meet our demise?

Grace ♥

Mainstreamed.

I've been in such a wierd mood today. I'm guessing it's because it is almost time for me to leave to Camden. I wrote this on my other blog but I have been thinking about how many oppurtunities has arisen for me to stay in the US. Now it seems like I have been trying to convince myself to leave, where as, before I did not need convincing...



Well, what I wanted to touch on in this blog was LAUSD mainstreaming their special education classes...I wrote this earlier today sitting in a classroom...



Staring at a clock that reads 8:24, I am reminded of my days in secondary schooling. Today, however, I am sitting in an 8th grade Algebra class…observing. The class is made up of students who are classified as Special Ed. However, this class is not made up of students who are physically or what I would classify as mentally handicapped but students who do not necessarily work at the level of their grade, mainly because of behavioral problems.



I believe out of the 13 students 5 or so come from foster homes or homes with extreme conditions. One student is the eldest of seven, was sexually abused by a family member, and currently lives with her grandmother whose health is depreciating. Based on the morning the student had at home depends on whether the student “feels” like working when they come to class was explained to me by the teacher. This morning must not have been the best because entering class the student is disruptive and walking around the classroom. Along with a teacher, the class has three other teachers’ assistants. One of the assistants takes the student outside to talk to and upon returning the student sits down and gets to work. At times the other students do tend to be a little disruptive also but overall they do pay attention.



Today the warm-up ran over time because many of the students did not understand the concepts that were being taught so the teacher and the assistants took extra time to work with each student...

What are the pro's and con's to mainstreaming? If they do mainstream the classrooms what will happen when on the students needs to go over the material while the rest of the class is ready to move on? Will that student be singled out and made fun of? I just began my research on this so there will be more to come. If you have any thoughts on this let me know.