I woke this morning feeling so good... I am hoping that this feeling of calmness will continue throughout the day...
I think what freaked me out the other night was that I have gotten so use to just being in thought I forgot about the importance of taking action... I have to keep telling myself nothing will ever be fully thought out... and sometimes the only way to finish thinking is by experiencing....
the more i am here the more excited i get about what is next... yet i still try to stay in the moment... yet it is hard to do... always planning my next move... hope your day goes well and i hope all is well with you.
grace.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
City of Lost Angels
Los Angeles-- I miss the environment where I feel comfortable enough to escape. That at any moment I can get in my car and drive; many times not knowing where to but just knowing I'm escaping. Here; this summer has been a rough part of my journey.
In an enviornment where others look towards me for leadership and guidance and for me to be patient with them being committed to each individual 24 hours a day where someone is literally depending on me for something...
i read so much about empowerment and standing with the people; meaning all people... I try even harder to be someone they can trust and turn to; someone who can walk with them and be with them in ways that they will like... yet I realize more and more every day I am ignorant to what that actually looks like...
I remember last year sitting in a study room with one of my dearest friends and telling him how after college I wanted to take at least 2 yrs to just be by myself...literally. I was planning on graduating going to my dads home village and living there only with books.... alone...... to spend time thinking and writing and reading. *smiles*
the main reason is that I felt like I would grow the most that way *smiles*
But here I am this summer living with 6 other people who look to me for direction and....answers *laughs* (and if you know me well you know how I feel about giving out answers).... and I've read and been in so many situations with bad leaders that I am so afraid to lead. Yet I am forced to lead constantly and forced to give answers and make final decisions and give advice.... and to speak.... and the funny thing is no book or time a lone could have taught me this or helped me get better at this....
the funny thing is i'm "about the tension" and "i dnt believe in perfection"... yet my idea of what a leader should be escapes me because i've never seen it done perfectly *laughs* then *smiles*......
Overall everything....smh.... everything is so different... more different than I could have imagined... yet I know *laughs* yes I "know" somehow that this is the journey for me.
New Jersey has been hard, it has been really hard; yet I'm learning so much and growing and I am so grateful for that. but keep me in your thoughts your prayers your minds... i can use all of the support i can get
grace.
In an enviornment where others look towards me for leadership and guidance and for me to be patient with them being committed to each individual 24 hours a day where someone is literally depending on me for something...
i read so much about empowerment and standing with the people; meaning all people... I try even harder to be someone they can trust and turn to; someone who can walk with them and be with them in ways that they will like... yet I realize more and more every day I am ignorant to what that actually looks like...
I remember last year sitting in a study room with one of my dearest friends and telling him how after college I wanted to take at least 2 yrs to just be by myself...literally. I was planning on graduating going to my dads home village and living there only with books.... alone...... to spend time thinking and writing and reading. *smiles*
the main reason is that I felt like I would grow the most that way *smiles*
But here I am this summer living with 6 other people who look to me for direction and....answers *laughs* (and if you know me well you know how I feel about giving out answers).... and I've read and been in so many situations with bad leaders that I am so afraid to lead. Yet I am forced to lead constantly and forced to give answers and make final decisions and give advice.... and to speak.... and the funny thing is no book or time a lone could have taught me this or helped me get better at this....
the funny thing is i'm "about the tension" and "i dnt believe in perfection"... yet my idea of what a leader should be escapes me because i've never seen it done perfectly *laughs* then *smiles*......
Overall everything....smh.... everything is so different... more different than I could have imagined... yet I know *laughs* yes I "know" somehow that this is the journey for me.
New Jersey has been hard, it has been really hard; yet I'm learning so much and growing and I am so grateful for that. but keep me in your thoughts your prayers your minds... i can use all of the support i can get
grace.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
shallow thoughts.
i wish that without hands my thoughts can be transmitted to this screen. i think sometimes my hands move too slow causing me to forget key components of what i want to write down; to share. i've never really been one to slow down.
everything that i am doing has always been at a constant pace. always moving forward... and sometimes when life forced me to i would stop. but once stopping i would begin to move again. much of my memories of the past are sometimes hard to recall and many times if not all the time it seems surreal.
faith.
my biggest challenge this summer will be living in the moment. believe it or not it's so hard for me to do. i have faith that this is the appropriate journey for me... that here in camden, nj i'm suppose to learn something that will prepare me for what is next. approaching my senior yr, realizing that summer is important. i think i know why i have been sent here... i just havent gotten the courage to address it... i'm not sure if i will
fear can be a wicked thing.
everything that i am doing has always been at a constant pace. always moving forward... and sometimes when life forced me to i would stop. but once stopping i would begin to move again. much of my memories of the past are sometimes hard to recall and many times if not all the time it seems surreal.
faith.
my biggest challenge this summer will be living in the moment. believe it or not it's so hard for me to do. i have faith that this is the appropriate journey for me... that here in camden, nj i'm suppose to learn something that will prepare me for what is next. approaching my senior yr, realizing that summer is important. i think i know why i have been sent here... i just havent gotten the courage to address it... i'm not sure if i will
fear can be a wicked thing.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Back.
Back. It's a good feeling to come back somewhere and feel as if you just picked up where you left off.
I'll come back to that.
The plane ride. It was pretty interesting. At first I thought I had motion sickness yet I still don't feel that good this morning. I've realized my body tends to freak out when I take it new places. However, I just keep hoping and praying that I'll feel better.
This summer is quite different. or should I say it will be quite different. Many things are different. Last summer, I had just begun to transition from reading to action. While, being well read is very important, I really find the importance in taking action. And action doesn't have to be "TAKE TO THE STREETS!" It can be simple things like joining up with an organization that has already took to the streets! Haha.
When I take time to think back to my intellectual journey, my development as a thinker, I am just amazed. Not because I've developed into this super intellectual philosopher, not by any means (not sure if I would want to either), more so because of the journey in it of itself.
Maybe it's my way of understanding all of the things that make up this world, understanding that the good, evil, ugly, graceful and so on is wrapped up into the beautiful. Yet I've found so much comfort in understanding life as a journey. And the beautiful...beauty... itself is all of that. I enjoy the Tension, beyond good and evil. ;)
So looking back. Like the first time I began to stop. The first time I stopped to enter into dialogue with myself. To propose questions to others and become comfortable with this idea that, to me, questions will always be more important than answers. And what I have come to absolutely be thrilled by is that next year, heck by the end of this day, I may encounter something that will challenge it all, forcing me to stop once again and think...
Reader, Family, Friend, Stranger... I HOPE all is well with you. I HOPE that you grant yourself GRACE sometimes. I HOPE that you are constantly seeking FREEDOM from the powers that be, which sometimes may be yourself. I PRAY that your journey continues, that time will no longer be a hindrance to your dreams. I PRAY that life will be as easy on us as it can be, yet continues to propell us forward and know when to sometimes stop us, and if needed take us back. Aboveall, I HOPE we learn to continue to know when to stand and when to sit, when to speak, when to scream, when to yell, to be silent, for our people... which just so happens to be all of us. EVERYONE.
♥ left with nothing but HOPE.
I'll come back to that.
The plane ride. It was pretty interesting. At first I thought I had motion sickness yet I still don't feel that good this morning. I've realized my body tends to freak out when I take it new places. However, I just keep hoping and praying that I'll feel better.
This summer is quite different. or should I say it will be quite different. Many things are different. Last summer, I had just begun to transition from reading to action. While, being well read is very important, I really find the importance in taking action. And action doesn't have to be "TAKE TO THE STREETS!" It can be simple things like joining up with an organization that has already took to the streets! Haha.
When I take time to think back to my intellectual journey, my development as a thinker, I am just amazed. Not because I've developed into this super intellectual philosopher, not by any means (not sure if I would want to either), more so because of the journey in it of itself.
Maybe it's my way of understanding all of the things that make up this world, understanding that the good, evil, ugly, graceful and so on is wrapped up into the beautiful. Yet I've found so much comfort in understanding life as a journey. And the beautiful...beauty... itself is all of that. I enjoy the Tension, beyond good and evil. ;)
So looking back. Like the first time I began to stop. The first time I stopped to enter into dialogue with myself. To propose questions to others and become comfortable with this idea that, to me, questions will always be more important than answers. And what I have come to absolutely be thrilled by is that next year, heck by the end of this day, I may encounter something that will challenge it all, forcing me to stop once again and think...
Reader, Family, Friend, Stranger... I HOPE all is well with you. I HOPE that you grant yourself GRACE sometimes. I HOPE that you are constantly seeking FREEDOM from the powers that be, which sometimes may be yourself. I PRAY that your journey continues, that time will no longer be a hindrance to your dreams. I PRAY that life will be as easy on us as it can be, yet continues to propell us forward and know when to sometimes stop us, and if needed take us back. Aboveall, I HOPE we learn to continue to know when to stand and when to sit, when to speak, when to scream, when to yell, to be silent, for our people... which just so happens to be all of us. EVERYONE.
♥ left with nothing but HOPE.
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