Today.

It is always interesting to me the events that may occur that leads me to want to write. Yet, I seldom bring myself to recording or expressing the things I think about. I believe I have held my thoughts so dear to me that the idea of someone being able to critique it was something I wanted to stay clear from. However, the more I learn, the more I realize that people are nuts and they are way "wackier" (if that’s a word) and have way more radical ideas than the ones I think about. Haha.

Well, honestly I have begun to appreciate the thought process that results in being published. We need to express ourselves, write things done, and speak. Because regardless there will be people who will and they (most of the time) will not represent what everyone thinks or believes. Therefore, I say all of this to tell you guys and gals :) about the events that happened today that led me to write...

Well my nose has been going through a little change of its own. Finally with much nagging from my mom and friends I went to the doctor. My new doctor is Ethiopian (this will matter in a bit). I walked in with a newspaper (The New York Times), and began expressing to him the problem with my nose. Fastwording. We talked about my major and what exactly I wanted to do with that. Which is every ones question when I say Poli-Sci International Relations. (Secretly sometimes I wish I could tell people that my goal in life is to liberate the Ghettos just to see what their reaction may be. :).....) He randomly asked if I was planning to join a Sorority...and this is where our convo took an interesting turn.

What I have found many times when talking with immigrant blacks and especially first generation immigrants from African countries is their disgust to what they call "laziness" in the Black American communities. Like the rest of the world they look down upon these people and blame them for the situations they are in. Their reason behind this is they came here and did things for themselves so why can't everyone do the same.

My reasoning behind joining a sorority has always been that they would help me with connections. When I explained this to him. He said, "You are not Black." I was taken aback by this statement because I did not know where he was going with this. It was weird but I said, "Well, I am Belizean," without any thought to it. This was the answer I gave to people a couple years ago when I did not want to carry the burden of being "Black." Yet, I know, I talk about this all of the time, my ethnic background is Belizean but I am Black when it comes to my race. It was interesting to me that when cornered I took a different direction, a scared direction, one that did not challenge him but submitted to his claim. Very much like me.

The conversation continued. He told me, "If I dropped you off in Watts or Compton, you would not fit in there...you are not the same as them..." I laughed. I figured I will not argue with this guy I will let him talk, lets see where this goes. He said, "You are an American, there is no such thing as race." I told him, "Well race has been socially constructed." He answered, "Yes, it has therefore, you must act as if it does not exist." He added, "People who come to this country and other places they just worry about doing better for themselves that’s what you need to do."

I have been deemed as crazy by some because I have continued to say that my goal in life is not to gain money. I do not think success is measured by how large your bank account is. I will not deny that there are times that I am a victim of my need to consume material things yet I try my hardest not to be that way. I have seen things that I do not see as fair. And I use fair for lack of a better term. Therefore, if I can affect change in a way that it will create the smallest movement to bring about a shift in thought then that will bring me joy.

I do not believe the things that I believe because I think it will get me into heaven; I do not believe these things because I think it is the right thing to do. I believe that our understanding of right and wrong are on such a shaky foundation that it can not be my reasoning. I want to do things like liberating the ghettos, making sure people have food on their table, bring about empowerment to those who have been dis-empowered because there is no reason that they should not be granted any of those things.

The conversation continued. It ended when he told me that "pushing for Blacks to unite will never happen..."

I left in thought. Wondering where do I stand. Inspired to write.

Grace ♥

Recorded.

So I was just recorded for the 90.7 radio talkshow "Those Who are Not Afraid". Well, it was a different experience for me. For so long I have had many thoughts that I felt needed to be shared, yet I was always troubled with the "who". As in who will hear my words and not judge them. However, today my thoughts (many of which I have expressed in these past few blogs) were recorded in order to be broadcasted. I am not sure of how I feel about this. I said today that I can see the dots being connected for my life. I can finally see some sort of formation. Yet, I am still far from where I will see it all. My words today were very much jumbled and not as thought out as I wanted them to be. However, I feel as if I got my point across. Unity within the Ghettos, within our community, with my people. We will see where this may lead us...we will see.

Grace.

--Words

Soemtimes words need periods.
Sometimes they stand so strong by their selves, when accompanied with more words they are too shy to show how strong they stand.
This is why words need periods.
Sometimes we should
speak.
one.
word.
at.
a.
time.
to show how powerful that --word--is when it stands alone.

--Grace.

Too Radical?

I am constantly worried that my words and thoughts have become too radical. Yet, when I return home, all I can think of are the conditions in which my people live within, and it is not right. Therefore, who I am to sit silent and turn a blind eye. When I read of the things happening in Haiti, I am nothing more than enraged. What shall I do with all this anger? When I go home and people see me reading books like, "Black Liberation" or "Writings of Nietzsche" they ask me, why am I reading because school is out. I can not help but think why wouldn't I be reading...

When I go to the schools and see the kids not caring about learning, I am frustrated. When I see what they are forced to learn, I understand why. I think to myself where is our savior? Who will save us? Who will teach the children that they are being laughed at upon the hills. Who will save our ghettos?

When I hear my brother tell me that at night it sounds like we live within a war zone, I am empowered. I think that the extreme conditions in which we live in as Americans in the ghettos of South Central and else where, will some how make the people want a leader. Somehow the extreme conditions in which we live in will create a leader. I am just waiting for the leader to arise. I believe that I have been sent here to condition that leader, I am just waiting.

Therefore, my thoughts are extreme and radical because these are conditions in which I live in. Therefore, if someone ask if what I think is too radical, I will say YES look at what my government have given me to live within. Look at how my people suffer around the world. Look at how they took us from our homes and dispersed us across the world. Look at this. Look at how our first hope in a black liberation has constantly been punished because of it. I will tell them peer through the eyes of my people. I will ask them to keep looking and see if they get the feelings in their belly to strike back.

At night I live within a war zone...the ghettos do not sleep because we are not allowed to. Now, who will rescue us from this but ourselves. Do not question our motives until you have seen it through our eyes.

--Grace

Grace...OVERrated?

I've been thinking about what this word GRACE means. I realized that I have used it after every one of my "here is what I think, take it or leave it" rants. Yet, when I use it, it is only to say that the recipient of my words grants grace upon my words as I have granted grace upon their actions. However, I am convinced that GRACE goes far beyond that.

As many know, I am the first to say that I do not know much about God or Jesus, however, this idea of GRACE I have learned from their teachings (Well, ultimately what people have taught me about their teachings...yet that is another blog in its entirety). I believe that Grace is offered as a "pass" per se, to those who have done wrong to you. In a way it is humbling yourself to allow people to make mistakes...I think.

This week I was having a conversation with one of the girls I am going to Camden with this summer. And I was also asked a question like this by one my really close mentor/friend the other night.

I have been given the drive to re-start something within the pits of the ghettos that I believe was left undone. Yet, in my journey of learning I have grown a strong callous for many of the white students I come across. In first meetings, I question their motives and their heart. However, I seldom do this to those who are not of the white race.

I say this because, yes, I have seen the destructiveness that their people have done to my people. I have read about their in activeness to correct their past wrongs. But I wonder when will I offer GRACE to them. It is hard to hear the words they speak and return to the ghettos, where their speech has been limited.

I am constantly bothered by this.

Even within the revolution where will the white race participate?

I also want to note before I go any further. I do not believe that whites are all bad because they are white. I believe because the position in society that they are so easily handed makes them unaware and harder to teach. If one sits above the system and believes that what they are sitting on is a thrown given to them because of their hard work, when will they ever get to hear the people screaming below them, or the dead bodies stacked firmly enough to allow their bottom a place to rest.

Therefore, this is where my frustration lies. I believe when the revolution takes place it will be hard enough to educate the oppressed about their chains then to educate the oppressors about why their wealth is not theirs.

I would also want to note that when I say revolution I am only speaking about educating the ghettos. I believe if you bring revival to the people, they will compete when they understand the "shitty" (for lack of better terms) hand they have been given.

Now going back, (I warned my thoughts are quite random and not together) I trust that there will be more experiences in my life that would ultimately show me, who I am to offer grace. Because this time in my thinking, I believe that those who are not for our advancement are only against us. Therefore, as we can not sleep in peace, neither should they.

--Grace

Fueled.

“I want to discourage you from choosing anything or making any decision simply because it is safe.Things of value seldom are.” Toni Morrison

Be warned that the thoughts within this poem are fueled.

I hold these thoughts responsible to the experiences

I have lived

due to what my:

race,

gender,

and social class means,

within the context of the United States...

Here, “in my country”, which I am reluctant to call it

( because many eyes directed upon the color of my skin regard me as less than an American).

THEREFORE, Be warned that when I speak of the people,

I speak of the voiceless;

the ones who America has left hopeless and naked of

respect,

THEREFORE, I have accepted that there are no truths

only the “truths” that have been placed into existence

by those who hold enough power

to exercise it over those

who have little power.

THEREFORE, this poem is dedicated to:

the forgotten,

the untouchables, and

the oppressed

that search for the empty opportunities of America’s freedom

within the garbage

that the more privilege thought was not good enough for them to have.

THEREFORE, I have learned that you must learn what you function within,

you read the masters thinkers in order to speak the language of the oppressor.

You function within the system in order to render it powerless.

you revolutionize society

you work within

you make the system work for you

when it is not enough

you fight stronger

YOU SPEAK

until their ears can do nothing more than hear you

YOU make them understand that we demand what is rightfully ours

we have paid our dues

we demand

...DIGNITY, RESPECT, and true FREEDOM.

if not we will give them no peace.

-Grace

A Bedtime Story for the Fortunate Children

This is where they meet
the forgotten with those who have forgotten them
bag less women
widows
children
like you
men
like your dad
soliders
like your brother
elders
like your grandparents
sitting up right
begging
praying
starving
begging
yet working
yet playing
but starving

this where they meet
nieghbors
nothing seperates
only divides
within what the other
values to being a live

this where they meet

curled toes upon boxes
yet beds
yet homes
yet beds
yet boxes
but homes
they beg
and they play
and perfrom

while those who are
fortunate
past by--drop coins to be entertained

and the forgotten
they entertain
they dance--they play--they seldom speak
but do they entertain

the fortunate claps
and laughs
and claps
and throws coins
and laughs

the forgotten
dance
and dance
and weeps
and dance
and entertains
and receives coins
and dance
and weeps
and performs
but still dance

when the beach has closed
the forgotten sleeps
the fortunate leaves
and the forgotten sleeps
and fortunate leaves
they leave
and they weep
the forgotten weeps
and the forunate leaves
and the forgotten sleeps on the beach
waiting for another day at work...
when they will meet
and they will laugh
and throw coins
and they will meet
they will meet once again at the beach
but until then the forgotten sleeps

toes curled upon thier make-shift homes
they sleep.

So I thought I could get a day of rest and peace from my mind at the beach...but this is what I say I left enraged and empowered to write. So I wrote.

This is an introduction.

I'm guessing that I will try to write frequently, however, knowing myself, I probably won't. Yet, what I have learned is this: when you learn things you need somewhere to dump it. Therefore, in my search for a more productive use of my knowledge, I will utilize this limitless space of free thought.

I warn who ever reading this that my thoughts are usually never focused. It is the way my brain works. I hope by writing more, I will be able to learn how to focus more.

I also warn the reader that my mind seldom functions within the structure of society, therefore, my thoughts can be seen as a little radical at times. However, this writing is for me...