Connecting Dots

<--Picture of the day: breathe.

Quote of the day:

"all endings are beginnings. we just don't know it at the time..."

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I have always referred to Belize as home, although, I was born in the United States. It was without thought that I would say to people, I can not wait to fly home and with a puzzled face they would say, “Fly home?”...

After this last semester all I could think about was going home. Many of the talents and strengths that was being shown to me that I had, had become very overwhelming. Sitting on the my apartment kitchen floor frustrated with everything, I knew that I had to get a hold of myself. Making a positive impact on the world is all I want from life and I knew in order to do that I needed to have peace within myself. It is we who seek to bring positive change who always sees the negative. However, in order to bring change you must have balance within your work and within yourself, at least that is my current opinion on the situation. It was in that mindset that I knew to regroup I would have to go somewhere that is pure positivity to me. A place that I call home, Belize.

I remember sitting on the plane thinking, how funny would it be if as soon as I got off the plane Belize would feel the least like home. I am very happy that did not happen. As I climbed down the stairs and was greeted by the sun, the sky, and the humidity I took a deep breath and felt the most peace I have ever felt. I could not help to chuckle to my self... God/or whatever energy/being that lives has been really good to me.

Since being here dots have been connecting for me. Dots that stretched way far from one another have magically become pinnacle points of relation of why I am who I am. Why I dream what I dream. Why freeing the mind, the spirit, the people, the children has become my oxygen. My grandmother and aunt have done so many amazing things in Belize, it is like we share the same air. Coming here has been the best thing for me and I feel as if I am in preparation for much to come. I am using my mind like a sponge, just soaking all of this information up. Recording names, dates, times, journaling, asking questions... breathing. It is such a joyous feeling.

There is much that is in disarray here in Belize, yet so is true of the world. However, there are many people who are working to secure a better time for the younger generation. I am hoping that my purpose is for-filled here in this country for these moments that I will be here. I know that this same peace will follow me where ever I go for now on.

Soon I will write more. I just wanted to get something out. I hope all is well with everyone. Belize is treating me well and she is very beautiful, I am thankful for being here.

I am very grateful for my parents for doing all that they could to get me to Belize, as well as, trusting my decisions. I am especially thankful for Courtney for being such a friend to me and reminding me how normal I am. Also much thanks to Aunjel who is new to my life but has been one of my best friends and haven't left my side in some of my darkest of moments. Overall, without the support of friends in these last months I would not be where I am at now, which has been such a peaceful place to be mentally. Also the 5 amazing women who have been placed in my life and have helped me and supported me through all of my decisions (Amber, Heather, Nilda, CK, & Alicia love you women!) To say the least I am so grateful for all the people in my life, so grateful that it fills me with joy.

Peace.

searching for purpose...

picture of the day: the joy of laughter

quote of the day

"i seem to step out on clouds frequently, oddly i dnt fall thru."

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I have thought about purpose all of my life and almost all of the time.

I realized that when visiting journals that I had from the past. Not thinking I had a purpose almost killed me once. I had always wondered why exactly do I exist. I had to get past whether I existed fast in order to mantain my sanity. Yet, this concept of purpose and why are we here has interested me for so long. Because of my lack of belief in truth and faith I do not believe I can hold the exact answer to that question. I am actually happy that I can not. I have become such a rational being that it upsets me at times. Becoming so rational that once I believed that love did not exist. I ignored the blatant feelings that could not be rationalized away in the name of rationality.

Being home... once in a while I get to be apart of something awe amazing. Something that I sit back and watch in amazement. Within that amazement I feel apart, I feel as if in that moment this is why I breathe.

I experience that feeling when learning about the things that people are doing in order to stand for one another. I get that feeling when I hear the amazing poets that continuously begin to pop up in my life. I get that feeling when I speak listen & do life with people. I feel like... "THIS... is why I breathe".

The feeling of loving people gives me purpose.

I am very happy that we can not truly describe the feeling of love... that our words can not do justice for explaining when we feel as if we have purpose. It grounds me. Reminds me that just as I am a rational being I am also an emotional being. That when a friend weeps in pain I am so connected with that feeling that I weep a long side them without a moments thought. That when a friend is angry or frustrated I can feel that without them voicing it.

We've spent so much time trying to rationalize the world... that we forget to just be for a while. That there are questions we can never answer and that is okay. Maybe if we began caring for one another listening to one another laughing crying actually enjoying life with strangers as we do with a good friend things will begin to feel as if it makes sense... maybe life will be better... maybe we'll find that feeling of purpose within each other.

blessings love...

Unions,Time, Violent Revolutions Part 1

Picture of the Day:

Quote of the Day:

"they tell me i'm bound to fall yet steadily still i climb"

Mickey TaeLor

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Today, I have thoughts on three different topics. At the moment they are very different, yet connected, I am going to include them all in this blog. I figured for the most part many of my thoughts are independent of one another, yet connected.

Unions.
Stagnant Time.
Violent Revolutions.

Unions. This past Saturday I went with my mom downtown to protest with the rest of the Los Angeles unions. The week before the LA mayor began to bargain with furlough days or discontinued pensions. After seeing the uprising of the Wisconsin unions join together, the Los Angeles unions came together.

Power is everywhere, more so the misuse of power.

I watched as the head of one of the s down the marching line to join in and everyone looked towards her in admiration. She shook hands with a practiced politicians' smiles.

I have not fully thought out how I feel about unions as of yet. However, at a glance I feel like they're the same as any organization that started off for the people, plagued with bad power dynamics.

I was amazed by the mass of people who came out. Yet signs read about saving the Middle Class...



I know what I'm thinking about can be deduced to thinking too much like a utopian/imaginary/unrealistic/optimistic fashion, yet it just worries me when people are too consumed with their own situation. I guess why would it be any other way.

However, what if the people joined together to really discuss how we could be better together. If they think the middle class has it bad they should look down the street at downtown LA. I know it's not a possibility at the moment, it would just be interesting if rich, poor, middle class...people (who we were first) would think about ways we could all benefit, so all people could have at least the basic necessities to living.

If Capitalism is all about good competition, lets all start off on the same playing field... allow us to compete.

Overall feelings about the union march.

union power dynamics are so off, things should be reconsidered, re-evaluated.
we must consider the implication of our words... if we are for the middle class, who are we against...

I was offered an internship that day to work with a union that day...

I think I'll touch on those other topics another time. Or later today.

take 2.

i wrote this really neat blog earlier about snails... im convinced you would have loved it. unfortunately west la internet turned against and deleted everything... but i do remember i addressed a few things..

first. yes my blog is written how i choose to write it... with no regards to the technicalities (it's purposeful)

second. oh there was a picture of snail so i remember just confirming that there was a picture of snail

third. this is downtown los angeles from a far

i've been learning a lot about myself in these past few days... and i know there is much more to learn. i came to the realization of how much i am used to structure. and the thing is for so long i thought it was structured situations that stifled me. but in reality its' structures that do not nurture my need to create question and explore that is harmful...

the hardest part of this transition is being away from friends and all the free time i have... two things that i was convinced would have been the best things for me... being away from people and having free time... go figure.

tmw i'm going to work on just doing something fun... and appreciating this time that i have... overall ive come to the conclusion that systems and all that will always be there... but the people i can affect one by one... doing life with people is what is important... i've been reading a monk in the inner city... and she talks about the concept of community... and how de-radicalized she became because she realized the importance of doing life with people...

i think thats where a lot of revolutionaries miss it... we get so wrapped up in freeing the people... that we forget about the people... i have a tattoo to remind me of that... but like most of my tattoos it has begun to gain greater meaning as i do life

speaking with old friends... has also done well for me... made me realize that i'm not crazy... and that most people want change but havent been given the opportunity to bring it about... but somehow i have this drive this vision and all this damn free time lol... a burden and a privilege.

im going to slow down a bit... look around... breathe... just be for a while... take it in...

random thoughts

i'm forcing myself to sleep in a room by myself tonight... i dnt think ill last for long

talking to people who know you well will make you feel sane

i almost forgot what great of a support system ive had in the past years

a conversation on rainbows and light can make my day so much more... dare i say it.... brighter :)

i have hope in my self.

things are getting better.

i had a slight break down today... but i got better... and realized a few things

fear is almost in my past...

quote of the day

..."i began to discover that the journey from fear to courage had something to do with entering the good fight, no matter how frightened i was." -mary lou kownacki

looking back

picture of the day...




so this picture freaks me out... yet someone called it beautiful.


... so one of the main reasons I decided to leave school to take a break was to help ground myself. I'm not going to say find myself because that concept doesn't make sense to me. I guess what I was hoping to do was slow down. figure some things out. get my self mentally prepared before this next step. read what i felt like i needed to be reading. i have to say there's been moments that I wondered if I made the wrong decision and other moments when I've felt that it was time to walk away.

So in this time of grounding myself... I had to figure out where I was. Since Junior year of high school it seems I have been writing my thoughts in a notebook. Every year there was something different... and sometimes similar things... so this blog is an ode to those thoughts from the past. I sat today and read through all of them and highlighted things I found to be important. Here are a few I felt were worth sharing... for the most part each line is an independent thought. and the lines distinguish a different book.

1/07- i live to see the world and where exactly beauty resides, so give me hope and wings to soar and fly

1/2/07- since i am growing up there will be times when i will be alone and i will feel unprotected what will i do then
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5/20 why there and why then...i try to wonder did god set these two people up to meet..

as human beings we need purpose, we need motivation to keep going. so if i didnt believe i wouldnt know what i was living for...

i would type but i feel i need to write...it's more personal

i feel that i dont get that much accomplished because i still try to be like everyone else when im not like everyone else at all

5/21/08 its always weird thinking about the future

we hope or wish for things...but do we have a path already laid out for us

its hard to believe that this present will soon not be relevant to me

like we only use 10% of our brain

i dnt mind letting people in...in fact this is the reason for me working on being a better friend

what is it that we ultimately search for in life

5/29 people need a reason to breathe, to live

10/29/08 the biggest thing im working on is seeing what it means to stay true to myself...god bless
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these in the brown book didnt have date

what do we do to equal the playing field for those exiting the system

"we are not afraid of the darkness we trust the moon will guide us" -saul williams

therefore, there is no truth.
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ill stop there... and on that last thought... i believe in truth just to clarify... but i guess once i was unsure of it... my point is this... be aware of yourself and do not be ashamed at where your mind has wondered... for a long time i would never read what i wrote because... actually i have no idea why..however reading it now i found that a lot of things i found to be questioning today, i was questioning then. i guess now i just feel the need to find things quicker.

i never really thought about how i would leave apu... like i never visualized my self graduating from there yet i didnt ever think i would just leave either. today, right now, im unsure of many things but i am sure of the fact that great things are coming my way...

quote of the day:
"silence is an opinion" -justine jacobs

random thoughts:
this morning yoga made me feel normal... what ever that means
i am afraid of my potential
taking thing slowly is such a great idea
this blog is therapy for me
im working on my problem with fear
time will tell with all things.

hope all is well with you..

rain sucks. give me sunshine. please.

today.

i sat in a coffee shop without head phones and listened.

i've written more than i ever have today.

may be the free time is to blame.

there are a lot of things that have crossed my mind...

children and innocence

"bearing witness" to pain

in 'a monk in the inner city' by Mary Lou Kownacki...

"I was 'bearing witness.' and to bear witness is a profound expression of Eucharist. to be present to suffering, just present, without pretending to have answers, is how we most radically follow Jesus' invitation: 'remember me.' This is the real presence that can lead to healing, to reconciliation, to peace."

i decided to go down to the park by my house to see if i can host a poetry class... maybe get the people to put on a show for the area...

there's something sacred about a community poetry show.

ive also been thinking about

fear

i am afraid of a lot of things.

it really bothers me.

and no matter how much i try to talk myself out of some of my fears i'm still afraid. i blame my dreams... i've had really bad dreams in the past... i'm mainly afraid of them coming true. and i'm sure my dreams are only a reflection of my fears which i think is a reflection of my dreams... its' this ridiculous cycle i'm apart of...

my roommate is a dream... i really like her... she possesses mind control i'm sure... so i'm not sure if she... hmmm... maybe i dnt like her....

liking someone is a horrible place for the mind... always worrying about doing something that would cause that person to not care for you anymore... at least its tough in the beginning... at least for me.

tmw

yoga

walking to the park

random thoughts/confessions:

i am so afraid of strangers.

rain at night is not soothing...it makes me really worried.

it's going to take me so long to sleep in a room by myself.

there are moments where i freak out and wonder if i;ve made a mistake.

sometimes i wish i was normal... but i know i have no idea what that means.

best quote of the day:

"in the end beauty will save the world" -Dostoyevsky's

oh pictures of my hair cut...

day 1.

I thought about creating another blog.
but then i realized for so long I've been trying to separate my experiences. and trying to compartmentalize different aspects of who i am. I forget they're all happening to me. that i am most things. they all exist inside of me. so I'm adding on to this blog. new experiences meet past experiences.

now that we've gotten those formalities out of the way...

today was one of the hardest days i've had thus far. probably because its my first day. it isnt everyday that you walk away from something that have brought you both pain and joy. its hard to figure out whether to rejoice or to weep...

...Los Angeles has been good to me thus far. i realized how much i dnt know her but she has not forsaken me for it... and oddly she's beginning to feel more like home. in these 4 weeks i hope to discover her...maybe she's holding some answers or even better, some questions that i've been looking for...

fear is such interesting emotion... i'm not sure what to think of it as yet... i'm sure it'll keep me out of places that i shouldnt wonder off to as of yet.. i just hope it dwindles in those times that i must stand up...

the plan for this week is to meet up with community orgs in this area... ortho appointment to get these braces off... and to become more familiar with her, Los Angeles...

hopefully tmw, maybe, i'll have something more profound to write. i'm looking into the story of trees and information on the lunar cycle tmw... i'm sure theyll give me something worth saying.

updates:
i cut my hair
i dnt believe in utopia... actually i dnt know what utopia is
i think i believe in truth again
LA has become really scary to me
i think i saw a kid sell this homeless dude drugs
Courtney Nelson was heaven sent.
finding someone who can stimulate you're mind is orgasmic.
i'm getting a little more comfortable with things not making complete sense.
blessings.
i'm starting to think overcast days make me hopeless.