Reading over

I read over everything. I love the way the mind works. I have somethings I am working on that I will submit soon. I've always wanted to share my thoughts on the ghettos and on education within the ghettos so blogs coming will really mean a lot to me.

Excited: 4 days

For those of you who do not know I am going to Camden in the next 4days. I have a seperate blog for that trip. Since I like to explain to people that this is my "ranting, I have something to say blog" I decided that this entry fit that. So I hope you enjoy. :)

ex·cit·ed

ADJECTIVE:

1. Being in a state of excitement; emotionally aroused; stirred.

2. Physics Being at an energy level higher than the ground state.

ex·cite

TRANSITIVE VERB:
ex·cit·ed , ex·cit·ing , ex·cites

1. To stir to activity.
2. To call forth (a reaction or emotion, for example); elicit: odd noises that excited our curiosity.
3. To arouse strong feeling in: speakers who know how to excite a crowd. See Synonyms at provoke.
4. Physiology To produce increased activity or response in (an organ, tissue, or part); stimulate.
5. Physics
1. To increase the energy of.
2. To raise (an atom, for example) to a higher energy level.

This whole time I have been afraid to say that I am excited. Somehow, I thought me saying that I was excited somehow made me view myself higher than the students that I am going to be in contact with. But I do not believe I fully thought it through or gave myself enough credit for knowing that my excitement was not the "Oh, I'm going to go save this town"..... The type of excitement that is gained because I believed that I was going to be giving something to them.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense.

Let me try to explain further. The Camden trip that I am going on came to me as a "missions" oppurtunity through my universities Office of World Missions. The other day my mom was talking to one of her friends and when she asked what I was going to be doing this summer and maybe even after I graduate she quickly responded with "Oh, mission work."

(WARNING: People might take offense to the next thing that I say).

But I was disgusted and quickly chimed in with a blantant "Umm, No that's not what I'm doing." My roomie the other day asked me if I hate mission trips so much what makes Camden different.

(SIDE.NOTE: I absolutely honestly love my triangle because they are always the first to call me out on things).

I was able to give my roomie a quick answer but like always when someone calls me out on something I think about it for a long time after.

First. I like to say that I never will "knocc" anyone for doing what they do. (TRANSLATION: I do not like to judge people). BUT what I have learned about mission trips and heard from those who had missionaries living amongst them in their home country, and what I know about the Western mind-frame, and of course what missionaries did the Natives of this country and Central America, and countries in Africa, and countries in South America, and the Philipines has made me very disgusted with the missionary field. Those are the things that disgust me. And this will now link up with what I was talking about earlier. Many times I have witnessed at my universities peoples amazement in serving in Africa because they hope to save it. Or people just having a mindset of "Oh, I'm going to this exotic place to play with kids and tell them about my "God, I am so excited".

And I guess my definition of excitement was altered because of that which made me weary to actually say it.

However, my excitement is for being impacted. I am excited to learn. To be humbled. To be amazed. To be shaken. I am excited for the experience. For the people that I will come in contact with and overall bonding with a unique group of women. What I am most excited for are the students, or young adults...the children...the youth. There is something amazing about the youth...

To think I actually gave that word so much thought LoL. Welcome to my brain.

Today is my last day in LA, I'm heading up to Moreno Valley tonight and Azusa on Monday then first stop Chicago I believe. I have the biggest problem with following through so it is absolutely crazy that I really followed through with this. Everything that has happened; man God is good.

Scattered Brained.

I have been searching for something that I have not yet found. The reason behind my empty-handiness is because in all truths I do not know what I am looking for. I was listening to Tavis Smiley today online and retrieved an archive from an episode that featured Will Smith. I have heard Smith speak before and am always intrigued to hear what he has to say. For many years I have disregarded his thought due to my lack of respect to the artist. I was fooled into thinking the artist is far from the thinker. Yet the artist who creates is the thinker and even more. However, what Smith spoke on was our ability to choose. He used the example of 2+2 =4. In his mind 2 + 2 only equals 4 because he has made the choice to accept that answer.

This past year has been very interesting. Compared to my first year in college I would say I am not as "lively" as I was before. I am not sure if before I believed something that I do not now or is this just the course of maturity. I am worried what this year may bring me.

I have been searching for something that I can not find. I can’t remember if I have ever felt at ease. There is always something going through my mind, something processing, and something that needs to be thought about. Something that has always had me waiting for the next move I can make. Yet, I have not found that place where I can call home...

I was once a firm believer that we are nothing more than our experiences. However, after giving it deeper thought I wonder are we really? Are we not more than our experiences? When something happens to a person their reaction varies depending on how they perceived the incident could have affected them...

What will be left of us when our bodies have gone away? A point that I am usually scared to speak aloud is Nietzsche criticism of Christianity. His understanding that the story of this glorious heaven makes its believers weak. Does it really?....

There are many things that I seldom speak on afraid that my faith may dwindle even more that it has already. However, what faith do I have? What is it that I believe in? Where do I stand? Do I stand for anything at all?

I frequently silence my questions in order to stay sane. Because once you begin to question the roots of anything and realize that they are no roots whatever thought it was being held up will be forced to fall over...

Therefore, society to me is just that. Their roots are never questioned because society is convinced that they are firmly grounded. Now what if I could prove to you that everything you believe in, stand for, and try to become is nothing more than someone's assertion of power in order to better glorify their selves. Is it not harder to believe lies than to create truths of your own...

When asked do I believe in God. I am not sure what to say. God makes sense to me. However, I wonder if it makes sense to me because I have been taught this not because I truly believe...

Faith is a scary thing to live by...

When asked about the Bible, I try not to offend anyone because to me I do not know enough to speak on it...will that grant me free access to the “firey” pits of hell... who knows?

I guess I say all of this to say that I am lost. I have questioned all of the roots of my reality and have realized that societies foundation does not exist because what say has us grounded are the very things that have us afloat…in midair, when gravity kicks in what will do? Must we not tumble down and meet our demise?

Grace ♥

Mainstreamed.

I've been in such a wierd mood today. I'm guessing it's because it is almost time for me to leave to Camden. I wrote this on my other blog but I have been thinking about how many oppurtunities has arisen for me to stay in the US. Now it seems like I have been trying to convince myself to leave, where as, before I did not need convincing...



Well, what I wanted to touch on in this blog was LAUSD mainstreaming their special education classes...I wrote this earlier today sitting in a classroom...



Staring at a clock that reads 8:24, I am reminded of my days in secondary schooling. Today, however, I am sitting in an 8th grade Algebra class…observing. The class is made up of students who are classified as Special Ed. However, this class is not made up of students who are physically or what I would classify as mentally handicapped but students who do not necessarily work at the level of their grade, mainly because of behavioral problems.



I believe out of the 13 students 5 or so come from foster homes or homes with extreme conditions. One student is the eldest of seven, was sexually abused by a family member, and currently lives with her grandmother whose health is depreciating. Based on the morning the student had at home depends on whether the student “feels” like working when they come to class was explained to me by the teacher. This morning must not have been the best because entering class the student is disruptive and walking around the classroom. Along with a teacher, the class has three other teachers’ assistants. One of the assistants takes the student outside to talk to and upon returning the student sits down and gets to work. At times the other students do tend to be a little disruptive also but overall they do pay attention.



Today the warm-up ran over time because many of the students did not understand the concepts that were being taught so the teacher and the assistants took extra time to work with each student...

What are the pro's and con's to mainstreaming? If they do mainstream the classrooms what will happen when on the students needs to go over the material while the rest of the class is ready to move on? Will that student be singled out and made fun of? I just began my research on this so there will be more to come. If you have any thoughts on this let me know.

Today.

It is always interesting to me the events that may occur that leads me to want to write. Yet, I seldom bring myself to recording or expressing the things I think about. I believe I have held my thoughts so dear to me that the idea of someone being able to critique it was something I wanted to stay clear from. However, the more I learn, the more I realize that people are nuts and they are way "wackier" (if that’s a word) and have way more radical ideas than the ones I think about. Haha.

Well, honestly I have begun to appreciate the thought process that results in being published. We need to express ourselves, write things done, and speak. Because regardless there will be people who will and they (most of the time) will not represent what everyone thinks or believes. Therefore, I say all of this to tell you guys and gals :) about the events that happened today that led me to write...

Well my nose has been going through a little change of its own. Finally with much nagging from my mom and friends I went to the doctor. My new doctor is Ethiopian (this will matter in a bit). I walked in with a newspaper (The New York Times), and began expressing to him the problem with my nose. Fastwording. We talked about my major and what exactly I wanted to do with that. Which is every ones question when I say Poli-Sci International Relations. (Secretly sometimes I wish I could tell people that my goal in life is to liberate the Ghettos just to see what their reaction may be. :).....) He randomly asked if I was planning to join a Sorority...and this is where our convo took an interesting turn.

What I have found many times when talking with immigrant blacks and especially first generation immigrants from African countries is their disgust to what they call "laziness" in the Black American communities. Like the rest of the world they look down upon these people and blame them for the situations they are in. Their reason behind this is they came here and did things for themselves so why can't everyone do the same.

My reasoning behind joining a sorority has always been that they would help me with connections. When I explained this to him. He said, "You are not Black." I was taken aback by this statement because I did not know where he was going with this. It was weird but I said, "Well, I am Belizean," without any thought to it. This was the answer I gave to people a couple years ago when I did not want to carry the burden of being "Black." Yet, I know, I talk about this all of the time, my ethnic background is Belizean but I am Black when it comes to my race. It was interesting to me that when cornered I took a different direction, a scared direction, one that did not challenge him but submitted to his claim. Very much like me.

The conversation continued. He told me, "If I dropped you off in Watts or Compton, you would not fit in there...you are not the same as them..." I laughed. I figured I will not argue with this guy I will let him talk, lets see where this goes. He said, "You are an American, there is no such thing as race." I told him, "Well race has been socially constructed." He answered, "Yes, it has therefore, you must act as if it does not exist." He added, "People who come to this country and other places they just worry about doing better for themselves that’s what you need to do."

I have been deemed as crazy by some because I have continued to say that my goal in life is not to gain money. I do not think success is measured by how large your bank account is. I will not deny that there are times that I am a victim of my need to consume material things yet I try my hardest not to be that way. I have seen things that I do not see as fair. And I use fair for lack of a better term. Therefore, if I can affect change in a way that it will create the smallest movement to bring about a shift in thought then that will bring me joy.

I do not believe the things that I believe because I think it will get me into heaven; I do not believe these things because I think it is the right thing to do. I believe that our understanding of right and wrong are on such a shaky foundation that it can not be my reasoning. I want to do things like liberating the ghettos, making sure people have food on their table, bring about empowerment to those who have been dis-empowered because there is no reason that they should not be granted any of those things.

The conversation continued. It ended when he told me that "pushing for Blacks to unite will never happen..."

I left in thought. Wondering where do I stand. Inspired to write.

Grace ♥

Recorded.

So I was just recorded for the 90.7 radio talkshow "Those Who are Not Afraid". Well, it was a different experience for me. For so long I have had many thoughts that I felt needed to be shared, yet I was always troubled with the "who". As in who will hear my words and not judge them. However, today my thoughts (many of which I have expressed in these past few blogs) were recorded in order to be broadcasted. I am not sure of how I feel about this. I said today that I can see the dots being connected for my life. I can finally see some sort of formation. Yet, I am still far from where I will see it all. My words today were very much jumbled and not as thought out as I wanted them to be. However, I feel as if I got my point across. Unity within the Ghettos, within our community, with my people. We will see where this may lead us...we will see.

Grace.

--Words

Soemtimes words need periods.
Sometimes they stand so strong by their selves, when accompanied with more words they are too shy to show how strong they stand.
This is why words need periods.
Sometimes we should
speak.
one.
word.
at.
a.
time.
to show how powerful that --word--is when it stands alone.

--Grace.

Too Radical?

I am constantly worried that my words and thoughts have become too radical. Yet, when I return home, all I can think of are the conditions in which my people live within, and it is not right. Therefore, who I am to sit silent and turn a blind eye. When I read of the things happening in Haiti, I am nothing more than enraged. What shall I do with all this anger? When I go home and people see me reading books like, "Black Liberation" or "Writings of Nietzsche" they ask me, why am I reading because school is out. I can not help but think why wouldn't I be reading...

When I go to the schools and see the kids not caring about learning, I am frustrated. When I see what they are forced to learn, I understand why. I think to myself where is our savior? Who will save us? Who will teach the children that they are being laughed at upon the hills. Who will save our ghettos?

When I hear my brother tell me that at night it sounds like we live within a war zone, I am empowered. I think that the extreme conditions in which we live in as Americans in the ghettos of South Central and else where, will some how make the people want a leader. Somehow the extreme conditions in which we live in will create a leader. I am just waiting for the leader to arise. I believe that I have been sent here to condition that leader, I am just waiting.

Therefore, my thoughts are extreme and radical because these are conditions in which I live in. Therefore, if someone ask if what I think is too radical, I will say YES look at what my government have given me to live within. Look at how my people suffer around the world. Look at how they took us from our homes and dispersed us across the world. Look at this. Look at how our first hope in a black liberation has constantly been punished because of it. I will tell them peer through the eyes of my people. I will ask them to keep looking and see if they get the feelings in their belly to strike back.

At night I live within a war zone...the ghettos do not sleep because we are not allowed to. Now, who will rescue us from this but ourselves. Do not question our motives until you have seen it through our eyes.

--Grace

Grace...OVERrated?

I've been thinking about what this word GRACE means. I realized that I have used it after every one of my "here is what I think, take it or leave it" rants. Yet, when I use it, it is only to say that the recipient of my words grants grace upon my words as I have granted grace upon their actions. However, I am convinced that GRACE goes far beyond that.

As many know, I am the first to say that I do not know much about God or Jesus, however, this idea of GRACE I have learned from their teachings (Well, ultimately what people have taught me about their teachings...yet that is another blog in its entirety). I believe that Grace is offered as a "pass" per se, to those who have done wrong to you. In a way it is humbling yourself to allow people to make mistakes...I think.

This week I was having a conversation with one of the girls I am going to Camden with this summer. And I was also asked a question like this by one my really close mentor/friend the other night.

I have been given the drive to re-start something within the pits of the ghettos that I believe was left undone. Yet, in my journey of learning I have grown a strong callous for many of the white students I come across. In first meetings, I question their motives and their heart. However, I seldom do this to those who are not of the white race.

I say this because, yes, I have seen the destructiveness that their people have done to my people. I have read about their in activeness to correct their past wrongs. But I wonder when will I offer GRACE to them. It is hard to hear the words they speak and return to the ghettos, where their speech has been limited.

I am constantly bothered by this.

Even within the revolution where will the white race participate?

I also want to note before I go any further. I do not believe that whites are all bad because they are white. I believe because the position in society that they are so easily handed makes them unaware and harder to teach. If one sits above the system and believes that what they are sitting on is a thrown given to them because of their hard work, when will they ever get to hear the people screaming below them, or the dead bodies stacked firmly enough to allow their bottom a place to rest.

Therefore, this is where my frustration lies. I believe when the revolution takes place it will be hard enough to educate the oppressed about their chains then to educate the oppressors about why their wealth is not theirs.

I would also want to note that when I say revolution I am only speaking about educating the ghettos. I believe if you bring revival to the people, they will compete when they understand the "shitty" (for lack of better terms) hand they have been given.

Now going back, (I warned my thoughts are quite random and not together) I trust that there will be more experiences in my life that would ultimately show me, who I am to offer grace. Because this time in my thinking, I believe that those who are not for our advancement are only against us. Therefore, as we can not sleep in peace, neither should they.

--Grace

Fueled.

“I want to discourage you from choosing anything or making any decision simply because it is safe.Things of value seldom are.” Toni Morrison

Be warned that the thoughts within this poem are fueled.

I hold these thoughts responsible to the experiences

I have lived

due to what my:

race,

gender,

and social class means,

within the context of the United States...

Here, “in my country”, which I am reluctant to call it

( because many eyes directed upon the color of my skin regard me as less than an American).

THEREFORE, Be warned that when I speak of the people,

I speak of the voiceless;

the ones who America has left hopeless and naked of

respect,

THEREFORE, I have accepted that there are no truths

only the “truths” that have been placed into existence

by those who hold enough power

to exercise it over those

who have little power.

THEREFORE, this poem is dedicated to:

the forgotten,

the untouchables, and

the oppressed

that search for the empty opportunities of America’s freedom

within the garbage

that the more privilege thought was not good enough for them to have.

THEREFORE, I have learned that you must learn what you function within,

you read the masters thinkers in order to speak the language of the oppressor.

You function within the system in order to render it powerless.

you revolutionize society

you work within

you make the system work for you

when it is not enough

you fight stronger

YOU SPEAK

until their ears can do nothing more than hear you

YOU make them understand that we demand what is rightfully ours

we have paid our dues

we demand

...DIGNITY, RESPECT, and true FREEDOM.

if not we will give them no peace.

-Grace

A Bedtime Story for the Fortunate Children

This is where they meet
the forgotten with those who have forgotten them
bag less women
widows
children
like you
men
like your dad
soliders
like your brother
elders
like your grandparents
sitting up right
begging
praying
starving
begging
yet working
yet playing
but starving

this where they meet
nieghbors
nothing seperates
only divides
within what the other
values to being a live

this where they meet

curled toes upon boxes
yet beds
yet homes
yet beds
yet boxes
but homes
they beg
and they play
and perfrom

while those who are
fortunate
past by--drop coins to be entertained

and the forgotten
they entertain
they dance--they play--they seldom speak
but do they entertain

the fortunate claps
and laughs
and claps
and throws coins
and laughs

the forgotten
dance
and dance
and weeps
and dance
and entertains
and receives coins
and dance
and weeps
and performs
but still dance

when the beach has closed
the forgotten sleeps
the fortunate leaves
and the forgotten sleeps
and fortunate leaves
they leave
and they weep
the forgotten weeps
and the forunate leaves
and the forgotten sleeps on the beach
waiting for another day at work...
when they will meet
and they will laugh
and throw coins
and they will meet
they will meet once again at the beach
but until then the forgotten sleeps

toes curled upon thier make-shift homes
they sleep.

So I thought I could get a day of rest and peace from my mind at the beach...but this is what I say I left enraged and empowered to write. So I wrote.

This is an introduction.

I'm guessing that I will try to write frequently, however, knowing myself, I probably won't. Yet, what I have learned is this: when you learn things you need somewhere to dump it. Therefore, in my search for a more productive use of my knowledge, I will utilize this limitless space of free thought.

I warn who ever reading this that my thoughts are usually never focused. It is the way my brain works. I hope by writing more, I will be able to learn how to focus more.

I also warn the reader that my mind seldom functions within the structure of society, therefore, my thoughts can be seen as a little radical at times. However, this writing is for me...